In a cozy doctor’s office with plush couches and rich mahogany bookshelves
Holy Spirit: Thank you for taking the time to meet with us, David.
Me: Sure, I guess. This is weird.
Holy Spirit: What do you mean?
Me: This. I’m in a session with you as counselor – clever, by the way – and Jesus.
Jesus: The Father is here, too.
Me: Where?
Jesus: He who has seen the Son has seen the Father.
Me: Cute.
Jesus: I thought you’d appreciate it. It is nonetheless true. The Father cannot yet be looked upon in all his Glory. But he is here.
Me: Typical.
Holy Spirit: What is typical, David?
Me: You. Avoiding me in some way. I mean, that’s what we’re doing here, isn’t it? Having a chat about my issues with you?
Holy Spirit: If you would like. It’s up to you.
Me: Right. Up to me. Like anything is actually up to me.
Jesus: It is. You are free.
Me: I don’t buy that. If I were free I could do whatever I want without consequences.
Jesus: Is that freedom? It sounds like enslavement to your desires.
Me: Semantics. Yes, technically you’re right, but then, there is no such thing as freedom at all; I’m inevitably a slave to something.
Jesus: There is freedom, but it is not what you suppopse. I suspect you don’t really want to argue philosophy with me.
Me: *Sigh* No, I know all that crap, but it doesn’t seem to matter to my heart.
Holy Spirit: Yes, let’s talk about that some – your heart. Tell me what you were going to say about me avoiding you.
Me: Well that’s the thing, isn’t it? You aren’t there when I need you. You never have been. I desperately needed you when I was a kid, being attacked by demons I made in my mind, crying out for you, and you did jack. I needed you again when I was doing your work in the church, and again you were no where to be found.
Jesus: I was with you the entire time.
Me: Don’t give me that. That’s stupid. No, you weren’t.
Jesus: How do you know?
Me: The same way I freaking know when anyone is with me – I see them, I hear them, I touch them. Of course. Don’t patronize me.
Jesus: I’m not. I’m trying to help. This isn’t easy for me, either. I hurt when you hurt.
Me: Well fat lot of good that does me. I don’t know that. I don’t even know you’re real. If you aren’t around physically or emotionally, how the hell am I supposed to take comfort in any of that?
Jesus: You know I am real. And I am here for you, just not in ways you readily recognize.
Me: You’re killing me. Semantics, again.
Jesus: We have to cut through the surface of the words to get to what lies within you.
Me: That’s it! That’s what lies within! Abandonment. Betrayal. Lack of clarity. Death by a thousand ambiguities.
Jesus: I know that is your perception. I understand. It is a legitimate view. It is logical. It is common. But it is not true.
Me: Well how the hell is that fair? I’m going to suffer for picking up a “legitimate” perception as an innocent kid that happens to not be true? I WAS A CHILD!
Jesus: There is no blame for you. And I never intended to imply that any of this was fair.
Me: Gah!!! I blame YOU! This is YOUR universe. YOU made ME and EVERYTHING else, if what I believe is ACTUALLY true! You OWE me! You know how many times I wished I had never been born when the pain hurt too much.
Jesus: I know that is how you feel, and I accept that. I accept you. I am truly sorry for your pain. I felt it, too. It was terrible.
Me: So why didn’t you make it stop? You’re God; you could have. Why didn’t you?
Jesus: I did. It just took longer than you wanted, and for that I am sorry.
Me: Sorry? What the hell good does that do me? You haven’t “made up” for it. You’ve promised it will all be worth it one day, but I can’t know that for sure. For all I know, I’m wasting the only life I have and the limited time I have living under some crackpot moralistic ideal when I should be grabbing what fleeting joy I can wherever I can find it, your so-called morals be damned.
Jesus: It is a risk. Much must be risked in love. Deep within you, though, you know I resonate and am with you. Through all things. Your pain is not in vain. All will be made right for you. I promise.
Me: I wish I could trust you; I mean, really trust you. I don’t see much reason to. Words in a book and altered 2,000 year-old human tradition.
Jesus: And me. You have me. Inside you.
Me: Great. More promises stemming from that book and a way to perceive internal emotional experiences. You’re God – that’s the best you can do?
Jesus: You’ve also seen the work of my Spirit, around you and within you. Miracles happen. Are you asking me to give you the Job treatment?
Me: NO. Though appearing in a massive storm would be pretty cool. And that Spirit stuff…it’s just more perception.
Jesus: Yes. Though this happens to be true to reality.
Me: Says you. Circular argument.
Jesus: So you perceive.
Me: No, that’s a logical fallacy.
Jesus: From your presently-limited view of what you call logic, yes.
Me: That’s all I have to go on.
Jesus: That, and trust. And love. Faith and hope, too; those are always helpful. You don’t have to believe me.
Me: But I do, dammit. Most of the time, at least. I think I’m done, Spirit.
Holy Spirit: We’re on your time. We stop when you want.
Me: I’m sick of my inner self right now.
Jesus: I do love you. I’m proud of you. We will get through this. I promise it will be worth it.
Me: I wish I had your confidence. I guess the omnipotent thing helps. Thanks for not striking me dead.
Jesus: The Father has always let people speak freely. Your namesake is a dear friend who had his share of accusations.
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We share more than that. Stupid name.
Jesus: I like it. And you.
Me: *Sigh* I get it, you love me, I’m your favorite, blah, blah, blah. Show me, don’t tell me.
Jesus: I have. I am. I will.
Me: Not clearly enough. You made me this way. If there’s some deficiency in my interpretive apparatuses, then fix it.
Jesus: I am. It’s a process.
Me: It isn’t a process for everyone. Why can’t it be instantaneous? What good is being all-powerful if you don’t use it?
Jesus: Sometimes I do. Sometimes it isn’t in your best interest. It’s something you’ll have to trust me on for now.
Me: Cop out. Alright, I’m done. That’s all I can take.
Holy Spirit: I think you’ve done very well, David. I hope we talk again. While we are always with you, I do enjoy when we truly pay attention to each other.
Me: Yeah, I know, I know. Peace.
David S. Wisener 