Wrestling

I’ve decided to be real with God.

I’ve been open and honest about my thoughts and feelings in general, but I haven’t directed them to God.

I’ve given them to God; I’ve talked about them to God; but I haven’t talked to God about them.

So now I am, in total honesty, like a psalm, not fearing what I “should” or “shouldn’t” say. This is the kind of openness God wants, so I’ve heard, and it’s the direct giving to Jesus I’ve been told leads to healing.

And I’m so ready for more healing.

God, where were You? Where were you when I was just a boy, scared out of my mind by the demons I’d made, wanting nothing more than to be at peace?

Why do I have so much more intimate experience with pain than with joy? Where is Your goodness in the land of the living?

Why do I feel so alone? Where are You? I need You. I desperately need You. I have no right, but I demand it. Satisfy me. I’m tired of feeling empty.

I will keep venting and bringing the hurt inside to You until there is none left. It may take me the rest of my life. I don’t know if there is a bottom to this pit, but I will keep pouring it out.

I’m not giving up. I’m not letting You go until You bless me.