When friends abandon you

“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me.  Fear and trembling beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.  I said, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest.  I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.’…If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide.  But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.” – Psalm 55:4-8, 12-14

This is a difficult season of life for me.  I find myself frequently going in and out of bouts of depression, though thank God they haven’t yet been severe. 

As I wrote in my last post, it’s a challenge being single in your 40s as most peers find themselves in a committed romantic relationship, often with young children, so the companionship offered by friendships is more difficult to find.

I miss the days when I would be able to regularly go catch a movie with friends or go out to dinner. 

But the heavy title to this post isn’t about my now-married or moved away friends as a teen and 20-something (I’m not trying to guilt trip here), but rather about those friendships – those communities we belong to – that genuinely fail us in gut wrenching ways.

At the top of my mind are failures we often experience from those we trust most, which in my case is within the church.  How do we handle situations when trusted leaders, close friends, wound us in deep and painful ways within the communities in which we should be safest?

This is sadly quite common, and as a subsection of the #MeToo movement within social media that has over the last few years highlighted the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse experienced by far too many people (primarily women), the #ChurchToo movement encompassed just how much of that abuse has been prevalent within the church.

I don’t want to write here about how to attempt to address these problems wholistically (others far more qualified and wiser have spilled much ink doing so), but rather what we as individuals can and should do when we feel betrayed by our friends.

How do we process being outcast from communities, from being taken advantage of in any variety of ways, be it physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually?

Well.  Stating (what should be) the obvious, and speaking from where I find myself right now as I write these words: we forgive.  As unnatural and un-instinctual as it feels – even sometimes being painful, through gritted teeth – we forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we absolve people from whatever ramifications might come as a result of their actions – it means we relinquish whatever we think is our personal “right” to hold them accountable: we no longer act as judge or jury.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we diminish what was done to us, that we brush it aside as if it didn’t matter.  As a pastor I know once said, by forgiving, what we say in essence to those who hurt us is: “What you did hurt.  It was wrong.  You shouldn’t have done it.  But I choose not to hold it against you anymore.”

Lastly, that doesn’t mean (in the case of abuse) that we “forget” what was done to us when we forgive – if someone is abusing you, remove yourself from the abuse however you can.  By choosing not to hold someone’s past actions against them, it doesn’t mean I should open myself up to future abuse at their hands.

Forgiveness also isn’t a one-time thing: we have to constantly choose forgiveness for someone every time we are tempted to hold bitterness or resentment or negative feelings associated with their past actions against them.  In my experience, Christians are horrible at this aspect of forgiveness.

When we forgive, it also means we actively pray for the person we are choosing to forgive.  This is also incredibly difficult, but it’s a crucial step in the process.  By asking God to bless those who have wronged us, it’s imperative that we begin to have God’s heart for the person, which is God’s heart for all people, and that is blessing. 

Our hearts don’t begin to move to where God demands they reside until we pray blessings on the lives of those who have wronged us.  After repeating these steps enough times, eventually, we’ll find that our hearts genuinely do desire the best for those we have been choosing to forgive.  And that’s how we know that healing within ourselves is taking place.

So in the midst of dealing with pain, disappointment, and feelings of betrayal, for my sake, I have to choose to forgive.  It’s the only way my heart will be healthy, and it’s what Christ demands of me.  It’s not an option.

And with whatever pains you are dealing with in life, the same is true for you.