Thoughts on life

When I’m down in the dumps, my mind often gravitates to larger existential questions:

What am I doing?

What’s the point to my life?

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Deep stuff.

So I find myself lying in bed typing on my phone pontificating about my existence.

Relationships with the opposite sex and me have a difficult history, in that for whatever reasons they’ve always been difficult.

The prospect of growing old alone weighs on me like few things do, especially as my mid-30s fade into the rear view and straight up midlife is smiling at me through an open door.

I’ve written about a lot of good reasons to be single; a lot of the truths of how relationships are harder than being single; and a lot about how God truly is the only companion we ultimately need.

And that’s well and good and true. But if it still just doesn’t dog me how badly I want to deeply connect with another human being.

For me, I write the way I do and about the things I do both to share life in a way that I pray is helpful to others and, also, man, in the hopes that people might actually get me.

It’s easy to feel all alone in a crowd when you suspect no one else sees life quite the same way you do, or, at least, understands how you see things.

And, God.

Where to begin with God…

He’s the thing I write about the most, and the nominally most important part of my life.

But man we have a hard relationship.

I like to ignore him a whole lot. He likes to forgive me for that, but sometimes I wish he wouldn’t.

I worry I may ignore him too much to the point that my heart becomes hardened. Part of me kind of wishes it would sometimes.

He’s been good to me, but that’s a hard thing to admit when you feel alone.

He’s always there for me, and I’ve learned to feel him in the same way one feels love, faith and hope, but the tangible, physical thing is a big deal.

And God agrees, lest we wouldn’t have Jesus.

So, the longing for something more remains, and as I’ve written several times, that longing is legit just as all creation groans in anticipation of God setting everything right.

So any way you cut it, we’re left with….bleh.

Pain.

Dissatisfaction.

Restlessness.

Acedia.

God hurts, too, along with and through us, so we aren’t alone, but of course that often rings hollow when we can’t see the pained look on his face.

The only thing to do is an act of the will: give up or keep going.

Thankfully, the option to keep going doesn’t have to come through our own strength or gumption – if we ask God, he’ll help with his own.

But we have to ask.

We have to choose.

Despite our feelings in any given moment, the ups and downs of life.

Everything comes down to what we choose.

Do I choose to focus on the negative or on beauty in life?

Do I choose to allow the tormenting thoughts that want to run through my head to continue or do I command them to shut up and leave?

Do I choose to begin to heal myself of all the pain and trauma I’ve experienced or do I accept an existence that’s not fully alive and what God meant it to be?

Do I choose to shut myself in a shell never to trust or commit myself to anything again because I don’t want anymore pain caused by myself or others or do I open my heart to possibilities that God – not myself – can open for me?

Do I choose to let my experiences define me or to let God, my creator, define me?

Do I choose to walk down paths that lead to a passive, breathing death?

Do I choose life, and life that’s most abundant?

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