God, I never cease to dumbfound myself.
So many people complain about You (guilty) being too mysterious, too paradoxical, too hard to understand.
Well, I don’t have a clue how to understand myself, so I’m not sure why anyone would expect to comprehend You, but we do.
I have a paradox for everyone: me.
Come to find out, God (like You didn’t know, but I sure didn’t), not only do I struggle with hatred mingled with love when it comes to You; I do with myself, too.
Not only do I know I’m a complete mess, but much of my motivation is geared toward my subconscious idea that I can do Your job better than You.
Or, at the very least, that You need me, and this whole universe thing (or my corner of it) will be damned without me.
I must want the weight of Your glory because I sure keep trying to take on my own sins and crucify myself for them.
I am confused by this idea found in the Epistles: the ready acknowledgment of our brokenness and depravity, yet somehow this doesn’t descend into self-hatred. I don’t know how to pull that off.
Because I will readily admit all that, but in the process I surely am hating me some me – I resent what I’ve done with what I’ve been given; if I were You I wouldn’t like me very much.
Maybe that’s why I sometimes think I’m better at Your job – I don’t like this idea of multiple chances because I would’ve given up on me. I don’t know why I feel that way; maybe because I don’t believe I’ll ever “get it together.”
But, then, what would be good enough? What would I have to do to justify my existence for myself? I hate to admit I don’t think I could, because I’d always be focused on what was left undone.
And, God, that is broken. Heal me, please.
I’m left at this place where I have to forgive myself, and I have to forgive You.
I don’t know how.
I can say the words (I have), but my heart needs to shift.
You can do that, but is there anything I need to do?
Despite being prone to slothfulness, I seem unable to rest.
No rest in my heart; no rest in You. I have before but it seems I’ve lost my way. Help me find the path back into You.