I feel like Job

I haven’t lost my family, health, or wealth,

Maybe because my family imploded before it started, my health was never fully mine (hi, depression), and I never had any wealth to speak of as far as my culture is concerned.

God, it’s REALLY hard to like You right now. It doesn’t look like You like me. It looks like You flat out don’t care.

I know all the right answers in my head, but they feel hollow in my heart.

Where ARE You? WHY are You letting these things happen?

I don’t know how David found Your rod and staff comforting – they hurt! And I can’t tell if these things are from You or Your enemy, so how can I take comfort in them when they may be meant to destroy me?

I know in my head what’s going on, that You’re sifting me or You’re allowing me to be tested or You’re saving me from some even worse catastrophe or any other of a number of ideas that feel like empty platitudes.

And I know I sound like a spoiled, hurt brat, but it’s because I HURT. God, how I hurt, and I’m tired, and I just want to cry and fall asleep.

Please don’t abandon me. Please show me Your goodness and love. I’m begging You. Please end the pain.

I want You to fix my life, but, God, I don’t want it to feel like this. I’m so tired of hurting. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of being afraid.

Please stop letting me hurt. Please help me. I know I have nothing, and my life is nothing, and I feel like nothing.

It hurts me even more than anything – words, screams, crying, anything – can express to say nonetheless, not my will, but Yours be done.

I am the servant. You are the master. I’m so sorry. Please, God, have mercy on me, a sinner, a saint, Your child.