God, I’m angry with You.
I know You don’t deserve it, but I still am because it feels like You do.
My life doesn’t go the way I think it should. As much as I can look back and see how You’ve guided me in the past, I still can’t see clearly where you’re leading me, and it scares me.
How can I trust You when I can’t trust myself? How can I rest in You when I can’t seem to find rest anywhere?
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself, not even when I take things one day at a time.
I know it isn’t true but it so often feels like life is a constant reaction to setbacks – where is victory?
I shouldn’t be afraid, but I’m supposed to be concerned (isn’t that fear?) when I’m not within Your will – how does that work?
Should I do what I know You’ve told me to do through a leap of faith, or should I continue to wait? Are you waiting for me to trust You and leap, or wait on You for clarification?
Why don’t You make things clearer? You sometimes do and other times don’t , and I can’t tell You how much that frustrates me.
I’ve given You my life as best I could though I know there’s more to give – what more do You want from me? You aren’t a genie in a bottle, but aren’t things supposed to work for good to those who trust You?
Why does it feel like the bad always outweighs the good? Why do my feelings so easily change?
I am angry with You because I’m angry with myself, and I’m angry at life, and the buck stops with You. How does this make sense – that I can be held accountable for my actions but my actions are the result of how You created me? I still have a “choice,” but You already know whatever choices I will make, and whatever choices I make are results of the way I was made, aren’t they?
So I struggle with understanding how You are not to blame in the end for all that is not good. And maybe in a sense You are, but there’s ultimately a point to it all.
Because even though evil doesn’t directly come from You (it comes from the “blacksmith,” as Isaiah puts it), You made the blacksmith and knew what he would do – so aren’t you thus culpable?
So, I’m angry.
I guess because I wish I knew more, and I don’t. And I can’t.
But I will trust You. Despite all that is bad, there is also good, and I know that I can’t blame You for the bad and not give You credit for the good. I have never seen nor heard of You breaking a promise, and You have promises for me and Your people that are good.
There IS a point to all of this, though we only see in part right now. No, everything does not happen for a reason, but You work everything around to Your purposes.
That’s hard for me to believe. It really is.
But I know You are there. And I know You love me, even if it feels sometimes like that love is really hate.
I don’t feel overly emotional towards You right now, but I love you. You have the words of life; I have nowhere else to turn.
I don’t really want to right now, I must admit, but I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.