Interstate love song

With apologies to Stone Temple Pilots for my title: I completed my annual pilgrimage to drop off then pick up my daughter at the Orlando International Airport a week ago so she could spend the holidays with her mom.  The commutes provided ample opportunity for me to reflect on the ulcer-inducing horror adventure of driving on the interstate.

When I was a teenager, I loved to drive.  I would frequently travel down backroads to relax and blow off steam, likely in no small part because I was in love with my first car (and I still am…miss you, girl…).

Somewhere along the way my desire to drive faded, and part of that likely was due to the three years I spent commuting to work every day from Gainesville to Ocala, which not only provided an hour of roundtrip interstate travel but also an hour driving within Ocala along US 301 and Maricamp Road.

[A sidenote is required here for Ocala drivers: I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know where you supposedly were taught how to drive, but I’m confident a drunk beaver could navigate traffic better than most of you, and this isn’t hyperbole.  In fact, yes, I’d feel safer riding with the groundhog Bill Murray lets drive off a cliff in Groundhog Day than a driver from Ocala]

I don’t have road rage, per se.  I’m not angered by other drivers, usually – it’s more like road angst, perhaps?  Temptation to demonstrate road passive-aggressive behavior?  Road annoyance?

Regardless, consider this a PSA.  I’m calling out the various kinds of terrible driving behavior, and if any of these apply to you, kindly slap yourself and STOP IT.  Do better.

• The Anal Probe – one of the most common kinds of annoyances, these are the drivers who try to affix themselves to your rear end like a tramp stamp, following so closely behind you you’d swear they were drafting you like this is NASCAR.
• The Night Rider – the moment the sun goes down, these drivers reduce speed to approximately 40 MPH below the speed limit, evidently because they’ve determined becoming an unexpected road hazard to others is a safer form of driving than maintaining a normal speed.
• The Yo-Yo – a personal favorite, these drivers have an inability to maintain any semblance of a steady speed, and they come in varieties.  Sometimes as you try to pass them, they’ll speed up like it’s the Indy 500; other times, you’ll successfully pass only for them to eventually catch up, pass you, then slow down to the point you must pass them again, thus angering you enough to blow by them at 100 MPH to put distance between you, only for them to again eventually catch up with you, then slow back down.
• The Apocalypse – these people are seemingly minding their own business when suddenly, as if the end of the world is upon us, they slam on their breaks and cross 10 lanes of traffic so they don’t miss an exit because it’s evidently unacceptable that they simply get off at the next exit.
• The Filibuster – you’ll be forgiven if you aren’t familiar with this political term, but it’s when a member of a legislative body refuses to sit down and end debate on an item because they are trying to delay or prevent a vote.  This happens on highways when a driver refuses to move to a different lane no matter what is going on around them.  Going 50 in the fast lane?  This is America and I’m Bobby Brown, biznitches, that’s my prerogative.
• The Tokyo Drift – perhaps these drivers can’t stay awake, or perhaps they’re slightly inebriated, but for whatever reason, in a best-case scenario, they’re swerving all over their lane and, worst case, they’re swerving in-between different lanes.
• The Speed Racer – I have no idea how these people aren’t in jail, because they fly by you going at least 200 MPH, and it makes you question what in the world the highway patrol is actually doing.
• The Synchronized Swimmer – this is another favorite, where two cars in parallel lanes match each other’s speeds while traveling side-by-side, thus making it impossible for anyone else to pass; in rare cases, this can even happen across several lanes of traffic (I’ve witnessed it briefly with four cars spread out over four lanes; a truly impressive feat of rage-inducing behavior).
• The Road Owner – this is a broad category that encompasses a multitude of sins, but generally speaking it’s for any behavior where a driver does whatever the heck they want, causing you to mutter, “Hey, it’s your road, buddy, thanks for just letting me use it.”
• Captain Courage – this is a driver who has been tailing you for quite some time, often as an Anal Probe, and finally and inexplicably decides “I guess I’ll pass you now,” only to then do so at a rate of 0.2 MPH faster than you, which means it takes approximately two hours for them to finally get around you.  Bonus points here if they then turn into a Yo-Yo, forcing you to pass them in turn only for the entire saga to repeat ad nauseum.

As suggested in that last item, none of these categories are exclusive – it’s the potential combination of several that can be truly impressive and stupefying.

And there are variations of each that can get truly creative – a Filibuster and Synchronized Swimmer pretty naturally go together, but having a Yo-Yo suddenly become an Apocalypse is truly something to behold.

At any rate, y’all be safe out there.