If you read the title to this and immediately started singing “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguilera, you and I are on the same page.
I appreciate the feedback I received to my post about my experience with online dating, which ranged from the empathetic to the surprised.
Yes, for average-ish men, online dating is like screaming into the void trying to gain the attention of pretty much any woman, as the picture I’ve resorted to above attests.
But what is it like for women? I figured I’d do my best to provide one man’s opinion (for what it’s worth) for what women could do on their profiles to attract higher-quality men.
[I am not trying to mansplain here, so sincere apologies if anything comes off that way]
One thing I heard from some women was that an unfortunate number of men in online spaces are (how do I put this nicely?) scumbag losers jerks. And often that doesn’t become apparent until women get to know them.
I’ve been told that, as I’d assumed, most women are indeed swamped by responses from men because there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 20% more men than women online.
If you’re a woman that ventures into the online realm, there are a handful of things I’d recommend.
The first thing I’d say is to ask yourself what you really want in a man and to think deeply about it.
Because (and I say this politely) the impression I get is a lot of you are looking for unicorns: men who look like a Greek Adonis and have the emotional maturity of a psychiatrist. I’m not saying those men aren’t out there, but……
I think about what I’m really wanting in a partner quite a bit. I’m not primarily looking for, well, looks. I’m looking for particular personalities that can run in several different ranges, but a common theme is a good and kind heart and a good sense of humor.
And I’ve talked to several women about this and they surprisingly concurred – as much as men get the (often deserved) stereotype of being too preoccupied with a woman’s looks, sometimes women can be worse: putting too much emphasis on a man’s physical appearance than on characteristics that truly matter.
This is another stereotype, but it often does prove to be the case: it’s rare to find 9s and 10s in looks that aren’t either scumbag losers jerks for men or stuck-up snobs pretentious women.
And that makes sense, because society’s physically gorgeous people do, indeed, often get what they want [there are several studies that demonstrate how more attractive people on average earn higher wages, etc., etc.], and that doesn’t usually create an emotionally-healthy person.
The second suggestion I have concerns the pictures women place on their profiles and how a woman chooses to hold herself in general.
Yes, men are attracted to showing skin, as women are attracted to well-toned, muscular men. But the presenting problem online is women are getting too much attention from too many poor-quality men.
Guess what kinds of men are attracted to showing more skin? Not the good ones.
We can tell when a woman has an amazing body without her (sometimes quite literally) showing it to us, and having a profile full of scantily-clad images is going to attract men who like to take advantage of scantily-clad women.
For me, I look for sophistication – women who carry themselves with confidence and class. I also look for “average” pictures of women just being comfortable as themselves in regular circumstances.
Also, it’s OK to use older pictures of yourself so long as you look relatively the same now as you did then.
But, as I posted on social media the other day, I see wayyyy too many pictures looking like this with women claiming their age is something like 32:
Be honest about your age and, good heavens, if you really are 32 and look like that…let it be a lesson to the rest of us that sun damage and drug and alcohol abuse kills, kids.
Moving away from the superficial, let’s consider what women write about themselves.
Not writing anything at all and effectively letting your pictures do the talking is (guess what?) going to appeal mainly to superficial men (and I see this happen a lot). I like to see that you can string a handful of sentences together, otherwise I have no idea what kind of intellect you’re working with.
There are a number of things I think it’s OK to say about yourself, but there are some big “no-no’s” I’ve come across.
“Swipe the way you vote” or “NO MAGAS” is a turnoff to me, even though I have very strong political opinions, myself. But I list how I lean under “politics” sections, so there’s no need to further antagonize people one way or another: it indicates closed-mindedness and a lack of empathy.
I’ve seen several variations of “looking for someone to match my energy” or “I know my worth, and I demand ‘X, Y, Z,’” or “I’m not about wasting my time.” What are you trying to do here? It sounds like you’re trying to appeal yet again to physically attractive but emotionally immature men. Quality men know what they’re worth, too, and also don’t want to waste time, so these are ultimatums – not attractive at all.
“I wish I had something clever to say here, but I don’t!” Hon, we all do. It’s an introduction, not the SAT. Don’t overthink it, but also don’t say this.
These are some good examples I’ve come across:
“Mom to the coolest 7-yo son you’ll ever meet. Innovative mindset with traditional values. Joyful because I’m learning how to be happy versus being right. Passionate lover of blue water, white sand, and slow dancing.”
“Love pubs over clubs, I enjoy exercising, trying new bars and restaurants, documentaries, traveling, self-care time, watching college football.”
“We are all more intriguing in person than on paper. I genuinely smile a lot while talking. My son and I share the same side eye technique for shady characters and sing most of our conversations to each other. Yes, we may be an undiscovered Broadway phenomenon but you shouldn’t be too intimidated.”
And I’m happy with mine, even though it’s gotten nearly zero traction:
“If you love discussing ideas about life, the universe, and everything, we’ll connect. I’m open about myself. I value communication. I’m passionate about writing, helping others, learning, and exploring. My awesome daughter is a senior in high school. I love Star Wars and traveling the world.”
So I guess I would summarize by saying: put out the energy you’re wanting to receive back. If you’re tired of catching physically attractive but emotionally abusive jerks, then don’t cater to the things that attract them.
Consider, like I have, whether your physical standards are set too high – what’s truly important to you in a partner?
And, as I also tell myself, keep your chin up.
Try your best to keep it in context: our society makes romantic relationships out to be THE meaning of life, more or less, but they aren’t.
David S. Wisener 